No one expects their marriage to turn ugly, but the sad reality is that it does, for many it even becomes fatal. Spousal abuse or domestic abuse can perpetuate beyond sexual or physical abuse to a much more subtle form; verbal abuse. Those who have experienced it, say it is the worse form of abuse for it leaves behind no physical scar, yet manages to scar an individual's mind and soul. Unlike other forms of abuse, verbal abuse in marriage comes without a loud sound.
Verbal Abuse in Marriage
Verbal abuse in marriage is not about a harsh word spoken in a fit of anger, or even an insult thrown offhandedly, it is the systematic use of language in an abusive manner specifically used to make the spouse feel inferior, insecure and run down. Verbal abuse also includes the written form. As there is no universally accepted definition of verbal abuse, any form of communication done with the intent to cause harm to the person being spoken to which may consist of language which is demeaning, name calling, shouting, derogatory remarks, insulting, intimidating and threatening.
Verbal abuse in marriage is one of the most difficult forms of abuse when it comes to assessing emotional damage being inflicted on the abused. As it is subtle, even if shouting is included, it takes a long time for the abused to realize that they are being abused. The period between getting verbally abused until its realization is full of trauma, and uncertainty as to why one is being abused. As it not always comes with physical violence, the abused is mostly in self denial. However, with time the perpetrator is emboldened by the victim's non-retaliatory behavior, thereby increasing the intensity of verbal abuse, and finally escalating to physical abuse.
For years now, verbal abuse in marriage was thought to be a gender issue, with the perpetrators being men and the victims; women. Although the ratio of women being battered verbally and otherwise will always be higher, men too are being victimized. Domestic violence against women was highlighted in 1970 when woman's rights and feminism was brought to fore, and since the late 1970's, domestic violence against men has also gained significant attention. Hence, verbal abuse in marriage has now been brought under the blanket of 'domestic violence', where abuse can occur among spouses, against children or intimate partners.
Why do people verbally abuse, how does one forget marriage vows of maintaining the spouse's dignity and respect, how does one stop loving the other and think it is okay to cause emotional and mental trauma? I am sure these are questions that most of us ask, especially, if we know a victim or have been victimized ourselves. Answers are not easy to come by, as there are a whole lot of sociological and ideological factors involved. As verbal abuse, or any other form of domestic violence is not gender, race, culture, age or sex specific, it can happen to anyone, at any strata level. As dominance is part of many cultures, verbal abuse in marriage is more or less accepted. And being insidious in nature, goes unrecognized, more by the abused than the abuser.
Psychologists believe that those who abuse and accept abuse have learned this pattern at home. At least 50% of cases documented have an early history that consisted of receiving abuse themselves and/or seeing others being abused. As a result it becomes the 'normal way to live'. Another reason that could also attribute towards the practice of verbal abuse is the 'need for control, or to control'. As verbal abuse is intended to cause intimidation, insecurity, emotional trauma and dependence, the perpetrator derives a sadistic pleasure in knowing that they yield power.
Mental or physical disorders are also reasons for verbal abuse to occur. Individuals suffering from anger management issues, narcissistic personality disorder, sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies, substance abuse, or intermittent explosive behavioral disorders feel the need to leash out their uncontrollable temper and frustration on their spouse, that sometimes goes beyond verbal abuse. In all instances of verbal abuse in marriage the verbal abusers believe that they are right to verbally put the spouse in place, as the spouse asked for it.
Signs of Verbal Abuse in Marriage As said earlier, verbal abuse does not always come with visible signs, it becomes difficult to demarcate a clear line between what constitutes verbal abuse and what does not. Verbal abuse is the use of language intended to hurt and demean the listener, it is not accidental at all. The first sign is usually name calling, combined with screaming, cursing, shouting and going verbally ballistic for very little cause. However, some verbal abusers do it cleverly, they disguise insults, ridicule, disrespect and criticise by manipulating their words, especially when in public but always get the message across to their spouse.
Verbal abuse can also at times transcend from words to actions, actions that convey that one is unloved, unwanted, and can be conveniently ignored. A verbal abuser always preys upon a dependent victim's mind by using language that conveys threats of harm, or even leaving the family in a destitute condition. Verbal abusers always lay the blame for all wrong decisions made by using false accusations intended to create a doubt in the victim's decision making abilities. Verbal abuse also constitutes language said to make one feel good, but with the intent of manipulating people to submit to or accept undesirable behavior. A constant dismissal of your opinions and feelings, and use of threatening words are also signs of verbal abuse in marriage.
How to Deal with Verbal Abuse in Marriage
Recognizing abuse and accepting that one is being abused is the first step to getting help for yourself. How to stop verbal abuse in marriage is imperative, because in most cases where they occur, it usually starts with a few odd sentences a day, and in a short time escalates from threats and verbal abuse to physical violence which can prove fatal. Although easier said than done, the abused needs to become proactive. Understand that there are individuals in your circle of family and friends who can lend a hand, or direct you to a support group. Counseling and therapy is another way to deal with an abusive marriage. But dealing with an abuser requires help. Help that will ensure that no bodily harm comes to you or your children (if any), when it is time to take the abuser head on. Hence, it is important to take help of a support group, and have backups in place, in case of an undesired eventuality.
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